Friday, February 21, 2014

Incest - From A Pain-filled Past To Thriving

"We cannot change a pain-filled past. What we can do is change how it affects us. The past has already been written, but we have the power to write the future based on self-support and respect. We can write a future full of strength, peace, wealth, and love. All we have to do is what is right now."     
                                                                                        ---Iyanla Vanzant

Some parts of my journey have been painful in the extreme. Sometimes the journey has been exciting, filled with tears and laughter, blessed with earth angels and friends who have guided me and given me a resting place when I got tired. My journey isn't over yet. When I get tired, I take a break and then move forward again after a brief stop. I have learned to play and to love myself and my life whatever comes into it, even the struggle which tests what I have learned and how I define myself in the present moment. I love the search for knowledge and the wisdom that comes from experience. I love myself. I love who I have become and who I will be tomorrow. I would not be the person I am today without the struggles and incest of past years and the healing path that I chose to go down.

Everyone has the ability to change what they don't like about themselves. But no one has the right or responsibility to try to change another person. You can only change yourself. Even in a relationship, the only person you can change is yourself. I have learned to focus on my part of the relationship and let my husband focus on his. The strange thing is that once you change yourself, the other person changes too or they leave. I have seen it happen over and over again. If another person's decisions affect you negatively, you can choose to stay or to leave. If you expect them to change just because you want them to, you are fooling yourself. Until they want to change, they will not, no matter how much you want them to. Relationships are mirrors for each of the partners. The mirror shows what is good and also what you want to change about yourself. What I have learned is that in my connection to you, I learn more about myself.

I see myself as moving beyond survivor to becoming a thriver. Thriver is a new word that my computer doesn't accept yet as a true word. I think survivors who are beginning to see joy and peace come back into their lives maybe for the first time have started to use the word thriver to destinquish between being a survivor which is the stage where you leave your victim role behind and you have a lot of healing still to do. Today I have love and laughter in my life and I also have peace and happiness coming into my heart and mind. Happiness doesn't depend upon my circumstances. It depends upon my attitude and how I look at my life. Today instead of struggles, I see challenges. Instead of hurt and sadness, I see opportunities for growth. I have many moments of laughter in my life and in my home. I am not so overly serious as I once was. There is light in my world, even on the darkest days. To me that is the definition of a thriver. And there is always room for more good in my world. What stage are you at in your journey?
Patricia

8 comments:

CRUISEROO said...

As you well know, I have been where you've been and am definitely well into that last stage of THRIVER by now. In fact, I've been there for many years already. Getting away from HIM and staying away from him for more than 3 years worked wonders as it gave me time to come to grips with a life he'd taken from me and that I now could and would explore. In the exploring, I grew in strength, and had enough there when I next came up against him not to fall apart. That is what I am writing about now in the sequel to my book and I hope you will be amongst those who subscribe to read it. It won't cost you a cent, just a little bit of your time.

This is a brilliant post Patricia and I know what you write speaks for all of us who have been able to move beyond the initial abuse, into and past survivor to now be thrivers. Well written my friend.

Patricia Singleton said...

Cruiseroo, Thank you, my friend, for your continued support. I am looking forward to reading your next book when you get it finished.

Mary Graziano said...

Pat, what a great post my friend. I love you definition of Thriver. I am heading in that direction, as I have great days which are now more than it used to be. Though I am still fighting some nightmares from the past, and this one is more difficult than the others as it seems to be hanging on to me, but I know that I will not stay in that dark place all the time anymore. I am able to move forward, and I know I will get through this one also, with the help of my many friends, including you. Leaving that past behind is such a release, knowing that things are now better. Love you my friend. <3

Patricia Singleton said...

Mary, Thank you. You inspire me every day as you move forward in your own journey my friend.

Debbie said...

Pat, what a wonderful post! I always so enjoy reading your work. Like Mary, I also love the way you compare survivor to thriver and your definition of thriver. And that you are! Thank you for being you. I am honored to call you friend.

Bob Brotchie said...

Hi Patricia.
I am not a survivor, at least not in the same context in which you write and share, but I very much think I can appreciate the power of your journey.

I particularly like this paragraph - "I have learned to play and to love myself and my life whatever comes into it, even the struggle which tests what I have learned and how I define myself in the present moment".
I think this is so useful for anyone who is living an enduring challenge, whatever that may be, or where ever that arises from.

This is another favourite part for me -
"Happiness doesn't depend upon my circumstances. It depends upon my attitude and how I look at my life. Today instead of struggles, I see challenges. Instead of hurt and sadness, I see opportunities for growth".

To grow - in adversity, because of adversity we might say, is the gift.

May you continue to 'thrive' and be the inspiration you so very clearly are, not only to others, and for yourself.

Warmest wishes.

Bob

Patricia Singleton said...

Debbie, Thank you. I, too, am honored to call you my friend.

Patricia Singleton said...

Bob, Thank you. I appreciate your kind words of support. I will keep writing. Sharing with others gives meaning to my life.