June 29, 1992
You used me and sexually abused me when I was just a child. You betrayed me when you were supposed to be taking care of me and helping me to grow up. I loved you and you used that to hurt me. What you did was wrong. I was just a child. I couldn't stop what you were doing. You were the adult and responsible for your own actions. Nothing you did was ever my fault. You, as an adult, should have been in control of your actions. Instead, you took advantage of a little child who did nothing to encourage your actions. I never wanted you to be anything but my Daddy.
I never wanted to be your sexual partner. I loved you, but I also hated you for what you were doing to me. Did you know that I hated you? Did you know that I was afraid of your temper? Did you know that I don't sleep well at night because of you?
No longer can you be a part of my life. Your influence is too painful and too destructive to those I love. I will not let you hurt me or my family.
I give you back your shame and your anger. I refuse to accept any part of it. You are alone because you use and hurt people who try to love you. I refuse to feel dirty or bad or guilty because of what you did. I did nothing wrong.
I am putting my life together and becoming who I want to be and you have no place in my life any more. Right now I don't feel any love for you, I only feel anger toward you. I feel sad for the life that we could have had when I was a child and for the relationship we could have had as adults if you had just loved me instead.
Your kind of love is too sick and I won't have that in my life. The price is too high. I am learning to deal with my own pain and anger just as you will have to live with yours. Please stay out of my life. I don't need you.
I feel sad that my children do not have a grandfather that they can love and who can be there to watch them grow up to be adults. I intend to tell them why you are not in their lives so that you can never abuse them. I can protect them as I could not protect myself from you and your so-called love.
I wrote this letter with the intent of reading it to my dad face-to-face but that didn't happen. He suddenly disappeared when I started trying to track him down. Then I decided to mail the letter to him but nobody had an address for him. I held on to the letter.
Finally one evening months later, I got called to the phone by my husband. My dad was on the line wanting me to do something for him. I told him I was glad that he had called because I had something that I wanted to read to him. I went and got the letter I had written. When I started to read, he got angry and interrupted me. I got angry and told him to just shut up and listen. He said okay. I was shaking so hard that it showed in my voice as I read the above letter to him. When I finished, he said that if that was the way that I wanted it to be, then fine, that is how it would be. We hung up. I didn't talk to him again until he was in the hospital sometime in 1999. His sister had called me and told me that Dad had been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Surgery was done but all of the tumor could not be removed. He died early sometime on the morning of January 6, 2001. He died as he lived - alone.