What did incest teach me as a child?
Not to feel.
To disconnect from my body.
To hide in my head, TV and books.
That I had no value other than for sex.
Not to trust anyone, especially adults and myself.
Not to depend upon anyone. They would let me down.
Not to expect anything from anybody.
Rage---my dad's---could lead to violence.
Silence---my mom's---could be used as a powerful weapon.
Children should always do what the adults told them to.
I didn't own the rights to my own body.
Ambivalence of hating and loving at the same time.
To fear people.
To be alone was the only safe place to be.
To not depend on anyone to meet my needs.
To not ask for help in any form.
If I wanted something done, it was better to do it myself or it wouldn't get done.
No matter how much I worked to clean the house, it was never good enough.
Denial of what was really happening in my family.
To take care of my mom's feelings so she didn't have to.
Not hurting others was more important than not being hurt myself.
To fear the unknown.
To fear being abandoned.
To not hear the screams in my head.
To not let others know that I was hurting.
To show that I was being hurt was to bring more attention to myself.
To fear attention from others.
To crave attention from others.
I wasn't lovable.
I was dirty.
I was valueless.
I could die at any time.
I could live to experience more pain.
To have a high pain tolerance level.
Nobody was going to help me.
Nobody was going to ask.
Nobody loved me.
That my daddy loved me.
That my mom wouldn't love me if she knew.
Neither would anybody else if they knew the truth about me.
The incest was my fault.
I wanted it to happen.
I deserved what was happening to me.
I didn't have a voice.
I wasn't worth rescuing.
Sex meant love.
Sex was dirty.
Pregnant was a dirty word.
Adultry was a sin.
I was an adultress in my 3 year old mind.
I was a coward.
I could only depend upon myself.
Safety was being alone and out of the house.
Through the incest, these are the things that I learned as a child. My inner child still carries the scars and memories of all of these messages.