Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Little Girl's Story---Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Part 8

This is a little girl with a story to tell. She lives inside an ugly, dirty yellow wall of fear. From behind this wall she sees a world full of anger and hate. She's crying because she knows this anger and hate also hide inside herself. She sees the reds and blacks of rage. This makes her more afraid because her own anger has been held in for so long. She is afraid if she lets it out, it will consume her. She's crying because it hurts to be so angry. She's crying because no one sees what she feels. No one sees her. She lives inside my head.

She has no mouth because she can't tell anyone about her anger. They wouldn't like her. They would say she was bad. She would be punished. She has no mouth because the screams are silent ones inside her head. She has no mouth to tell others about the abuse. They might not believe her and that would hurt more than the abuse.

She has no feet because she can't run away. Where would she go? She would die alone. She feels so helpless. All she ever wanted was someone to love her. All she ever wanted was to be herself. She would die alone because she is only 3 years old. Even at 11 years old, she still needs her mom and dad to take care of her.


I wrote the original story back on June 23, 1989 one month after I did an oil painting, my first, on feelings. I had read that art therapy was a good way to get in touch with your feelings. I wanted to know what it was like to feel. I had shut down that part of myself as a way to survive the incest when I was a child. After doing the painting, I still didn't feel anything. People that I shared the painting with said that the feelings were plain to see in the painting. I was still a few years away from reconnecting with my feelings but that painting and the words were my first steps in that direction.
Patricia

16 comments:

Rainbow said...

we felt as if you were describing us and our life...safe hugs to you

rainbow

Patricia Singleton said...

Rainbow, thank you for the safe hugs and I send them back to you. I have had this story saved as a draft on my blog for over a year. Today the timing felt right to post it.

Just Be Real said...

Patricia, I am so very sorry. I believe the time is right dear one to share, thank you! A lot of the time we do not see what others see. That is what I am finding out in t. myself.

Patricia Singleton said...

Just Be Real, thank you. I agree that often we do not see until we are ready to see and often others see before we ourselves see what is right in front of us. Have a glorious day.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I really like the way your wrote this. I've been really into art therapy myself lately: poetry and collage.

This would be a good post for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Hey, would you ever consider hosting it? You'd be great!

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, thank you. I will enter it in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I don't think that I have the necessary computer skills to host the carnival right now. I actually don't have the time to do it right now. Ask me again in the Autumn and I will see if I can learn the skills to do it.

Colleen said...

"You are telling my story." I have heard that from those who have read my book and now I say the same to you. It is so comforting to know others "know" us and we are not alone.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, it is comforting knowing that we are not alone.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Thanks for letting us use this helpful and sharing post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I put it under the Healing & Therapy category. Good work!

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, you are very welcome. I look forward to reading all of the articles when they are posted for the Carnival.

Child Person said...

Thank you for sharing this. My goal today to read all the Carnival posts isn't likely to happen. Too many triggers. Just now thinking how we feel so alone... and really are when experiencing incest and other forms of abuse... and continue to feel alone as we struggle on through life through whatever means works...and yet when 1 of every 3 girls and 1 of every 5 boys is sexually molested before the age of 18, we are far from alone in the experiences, the suffering, or the struggling to find our ways to survive. If misery loves company we sure have lots of it! : ) but of course we don't love company in our misery- just the comfort and support that comes from those who understand. TY all...

Patricia Singleton said...

Child Person, thank you for adding to this article with your comment. Getting back into writing about and reading other blogs about incest and child abuse has set off an old trigger for me as well. I didn't expect that.

I just realized yesterday that I don't want strangers, people that I don't know, in my house right now. My home is my safe place and it doesn't feel safe with others in my protected space. I need to tell my husband this. He doesn't understand why I am losing it when he invites people that I don't know and a few that I do know into my space. How could he understand when I just figured it out myself.

healandforgive said...

Patricia

I stopped breathing while I read. Your words simply and eloquently capture the universal soul of an abused child.

Thank you!

Patricia Singleton said...

Heal and Forgive, you are welcome. Thank you so much. I am honored by your words. I did the painting that inspired the words and put it away for about a month. One night when I couldn't sleep, the words came to me and got written down. Then I knew the project was finished.

Anonymous said...

This is an excellent start for your book. Especially the beginning.

Love,

Corinne

Patricia Singleton said...

Corinne, Thank you, my friend. I just printed this out yesterday.