A few days ago I read an article called "Cash in on the Hidden Gold Beneath Your Fears" written by Tom Volkar at Delightful Work. You will find the article at this link: http://www.delightfulwork.com/2008/06/24/cash-in-on-the-hidden-gold-beneath-your-fear/ .
Click on the link above and go read Tom's article, then come back here and read mine. I'll be here when you get back. In the mean time, I will go fix myself a cup of coffee.
People keep telling me that I am courageous to write about incest. I am not any more brave than anyone else. I have just reached the grand age of 56 years old where I don't care as much what other people think about me as I once did. I do care. At 56, my opinion of me is the most important. Doing what is right for me has become more important than your opinion of me.
The praise does feel good so if you want to keep it coming, I won't object. I will even admit that I love it when you tell me how good, nice, courageous, outspoken I am. My ego is still in tact and even still in control at times. So thank you for your words of encouragement. They are appreciated.
I need to set the record straight. I am just as fearful as the rest of you, probably even more so than some of you. Yes, writing down my thoughts on this blog for the world to see is scarey business but the rewards have been well worth facing my fears to do this. Facing my fears has been so rewarding. I can so relate to Tom's article and see that when we face our fears, there is gold hidden beneath the fears.
In one of my recent articles, "Quit Playing Small And Insignificant" ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/quit-playing-small-and-insignificant.html ), I faced a major fear of mine---the fear that I might be "powerful beyond measure" (Marianne Williamson in "A Return to Love"). I was fearful of letting my light shine to its full strength because you might think I felt superior to you. My ego might even try to convince me that I am superior to you. As it says in my article, I was fearful of accepting that I am responsible for my life and what I do with that life.
What have been the immediate gold that I found hidden beneath those fears?
1. I have found a new level of self-confidence that I didn't have before. I acted as if I were confident but it was only an act. Now, it is real. I am powerful beyond all measure and so are you. Each of us is powerful as magnificient reflections of the God in each of us.
2. My creativity with my writing for this blog has gone through the roof. I have never written as many articles as I have in the past week. I am not posting them all at once so you will continue to see these articles come out over the next few weeks. I wrote 5 articles last week, three of which have already been posted. This article is the second one in two days that I have written this week.
3. Tools such as Tom's article and the information that I posted from Paula Kawal that you will find in my article "Shame, The Abuser's Friend" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/shame-abusers-friend.html have come my way to be shared on this blog. Helping others has to come second after helping myself to grow since I choose to help others through sharing my own journey. These tools will give me and you more ways to heal ourselves. This is a lesson I learned about 20 years ago. I can't help others heal until I have done the work of healing myself.
4. Michelle Vandepas and CK Reyes at Divine Purpose Unleashed ( http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/ ) have helped me to look more clearly at what my divine purpose is. This blog is the tool for me to accomplish my divine purpose of reaching out to others who wish to move beyond victim and survivor to become who they really are as Divine Beings.
5. Slade Roberson ( http://sladeroberson.com/ ) and Andrea Hess ( http://www.empoweredsoul.com/ ) have both opened the door for me to learn to communicate more with my Spirit Guides. Hey guys, that voice in your head or your ear doesn't necessarily mean you are going crazy. It could be your guides communicating with you.
6. Michelle Vandepas introduced me to the new Debbie Ford book called "The Secret of the Shadow, The Power of Owning Your Whole Story." You will be hearing more from me about this book. It is the missing piece I have been searching for.
7. As I release more fears, more joy and contentment come into my life.
Next time I find myself faced with my fears, I intend to use Tom's four statements to look at my fears and his four questions to find out exactly what I am afraid of and what actions I can take to release the fears. Thank you Tom for sharing this article with the rest of us. I love it when I find tools that do what they are supposed to. With tools, we are better equipped to deal with life. Life can be beautiful. Life is beautiful. Live it to the fullest. Be as powerful as you truly are.
Your life can be glorious when you choose for it to be.
Patricia
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Shame, The Abuser's Friend
As an incest survivor, I lived with the thought "I am no good" for over half of my life. As I discussed in a recent post "Tools Of The Ego" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html , I was an extremely shy child and young adult. Any of my friends today would not recognise the shy child that I was.
One of the reasons for the shyness was that I was afraid if you got to know me you would find out that "I am no good." That thought ruled my life. The shame kept me silent and hurting.
John Bradshaw's book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" helped me to recognise and finally heal the shame. I learned that the thought "I am no good" was called shame. I learned that shame comes from the abuser who passes it on to his victim rather than feel it himself. Shame is the tool that the abuser uses to keep his victim silent. You are afraid to talk about the abuse because you believe that something in you, some badness in you, attracts the abusers to you. Shame is what makes the victim think that the abuse is their fault.
Shame is very invasive. Until you realize that the abuse was not your fault and that the abuse is not who you are, you will remain stuck in the pain and continue to create more situations or relationships that bring you more pain. Until you stop expecting to be hurt, you will be hurt. Taking responsibility for your life can be a frightening step. You can't change the past. You can change your reaction to the past.
Begin by knowing that you have choices in how you continue to live your life. If big changes frighten you, start with small ones. Do something today that makes you feel good about who you are. If you can't handle that, do something that makes you laugh. Laughter is one of the best medicines that I know in learning to take life not so seriously.
At this point, I want to include a comment that I got from Paula Kawal of Journey Inward Productions. This comment was in regard to an article that I wrote recently called "Why Do We Get Stuck In Blame." The quote will fit just as well when you are working with shame so here it is:
Paula said, "The blame cycle is often connected to the words we use to describe the event.
In NLP for example, we avoid using the word abuser. Let me tell you why.
When a child has a traumatic or what we call 'imprint' experience, they confuse themselves with the other party in the event.
So if my uncle has touched me inappropriately and I do not have the internal resources to deal with it, the experience will map my identity with his so that in essence I become him.
If I use the word abuser, that part of him inside me is now being judged. It's hard to love yourself, or not blame yourself or to feel safe when you have an internalized abuser running around inside you.
What stops this is creating unity inside by giving the adult in the experience the resource they needed to give love to the child appropriately.
When we have an internalized abuser within us, we can't help but be a victim...but transform the internal abuser into a resourceful person...then we, too, can be resourceful :)"
My comment, in part, back to Paula said, "I do know that the judgments that we make about others are really about us."
Then Paula added another valuable comment that said, "...I can tell you understand so I wanted to give you a little more to work with. You can start by referring to these people by their real names.
If I internally reference a man named Ray rather than a person called abuser, or even Dad, this is a reference that is a lot less loaded and easier to accept :)
I will most likely have a lot less expectations of Ray than I would of Dad! I can also imagine Ray can change where categorizing him as an abuser leaves little room in my mind for this and creates a monster out of the part of myself that plays his role inside of me.
The goal is to soften the part that represents him and through transforming my relationship with this part, I can learn a new way of being.
Remember, we carry the important people in our lives around inside of us. They are often the voices in our heads who challenge and encourage us...so it makes sense that these internalized representations have influence (both positive and not so positive) over our behavior.
What is less obvious is that these parts perform a functionality for us and that there is something really important that we are trying to get for ourselves through their internal representation...as they are a hidden form of our shadow self.
Once we get to the root of that functionality we have lots of ways of fulfilling it :)"
This comment, in itself, is so powerful. I just had to add it to this article on shame because it is even truer in regard to shame than it is for blame. Shame is about who we see ourselves as through the eyes of abuse. It isn't who we really are but when you are buried in shame, you don't see that. Paula's comment explains why we see ourselves as we do through the eyes of shame.
What I want you to know is, "You are not that person. You are so much more. Think about Paula's comment. Let us know what you think.
You can find more about Paula at http://www.paulakawal.com at Journey Inward Productions. In addition to coaching, Paula has a blog that you will find there as well. Her blog is how I met Paula. Thank you Paula for sharing the wisdom of your comments.
If you are interested in the article that caused Paula to leave her comment, you will find it at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/why-do-we-get-stuck-in-blame.html .
Patricia
One of the reasons for the shyness was that I was afraid if you got to know me you would find out that "I am no good." That thought ruled my life. The shame kept me silent and hurting.
John Bradshaw's book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" helped me to recognise and finally heal the shame. I learned that the thought "I am no good" was called shame. I learned that shame comes from the abuser who passes it on to his victim rather than feel it himself. Shame is the tool that the abuser uses to keep his victim silent. You are afraid to talk about the abuse because you believe that something in you, some badness in you, attracts the abusers to you. Shame is what makes the victim think that the abuse is their fault.
Shame is very invasive. Until you realize that the abuse was not your fault and that the abuse is not who you are, you will remain stuck in the pain and continue to create more situations or relationships that bring you more pain. Until you stop expecting to be hurt, you will be hurt. Taking responsibility for your life can be a frightening step. You can't change the past. You can change your reaction to the past.
Begin by knowing that you have choices in how you continue to live your life. If big changes frighten you, start with small ones. Do something today that makes you feel good about who you are. If you can't handle that, do something that makes you laugh. Laughter is one of the best medicines that I know in learning to take life not so seriously.
At this point, I want to include a comment that I got from Paula Kawal of Journey Inward Productions. This comment was in regard to an article that I wrote recently called "Why Do We Get Stuck In Blame." The quote will fit just as well when you are working with shame so here it is:
Paula said, "The blame cycle is often connected to the words we use to describe the event.
In NLP for example, we avoid using the word abuser. Let me tell you why.
When a child has a traumatic or what we call 'imprint' experience, they confuse themselves with the other party in the event.
So if my uncle has touched me inappropriately and I do not have the internal resources to deal with it, the experience will map my identity with his so that in essence I become him.
If I use the word abuser, that part of him inside me is now being judged. It's hard to love yourself, or not blame yourself or to feel safe when you have an internalized abuser running around inside you.
What stops this is creating unity inside by giving the adult in the experience the resource they needed to give love to the child appropriately.
When we have an internalized abuser within us, we can't help but be a victim...but transform the internal abuser into a resourceful person...then we, too, can be resourceful :)"
My comment, in part, back to Paula said, "I do know that the judgments that we make about others are really about us."
Then Paula added another valuable comment that said, "...I can tell you understand so I wanted to give you a little more to work with. You can start by referring to these people by their real names.
If I internally reference a man named Ray rather than a person called abuser, or even Dad, this is a reference that is a lot less loaded and easier to accept :)
I will most likely have a lot less expectations of Ray than I would of Dad! I can also imagine Ray can change where categorizing him as an abuser leaves little room in my mind for this and creates a monster out of the part of myself that plays his role inside of me.
The goal is to soften the part that represents him and through transforming my relationship with this part, I can learn a new way of being.
Remember, we carry the important people in our lives around inside of us. They are often the voices in our heads who challenge and encourage us...so it makes sense that these internalized representations have influence (both positive and not so positive) over our behavior.
What is less obvious is that these parts perform a functionality for us and that there is something really important that we are trying to get for ourselves through their internal representation...as they are a hidden form of our shadow self.
Once we get to the root of that functionality we have lots of ways of fulfilling it :)"
This comment, in itself, is so powerful. I just had to add it to this article on shame because it is even truer in regard to shame than it is for blame. Shame is about who we see ourselves as through the eyes of abuse. It isn't who we really are but when you are buried in shame, you don't see that. Paula's comment explains why we see ourselves as we do through the eyes of shame.
What I want you to know is, "You are not that person. You are so much more. Think about Paula's comment. Let us know what you think.
You can find more about Paula at http://www.paulakawal.com at Journey Inward Productions. In addition to coaching, Paula has a blog that you will find there as well. Her blog is how I met Paula. Thank you Paula for sharing the wisdom of your comments.
If you are interested in the article that caused Paula to leave her comment, you will find it at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/why-do-we-get-stuck-in-blame.html .
Patricia
Friday, June 20, 2008
Health And Wellness Is Your Responsibility
Hi. This is to let you know about the guest author post that I did on the blog "Best Of Mother Earth." You will find the article posted at http://bestwellnessconsultant.com/2008/06/18/guest-post-by-patricia-singleton-testimony-best-of-mother-earth.aspx . Karen is an online friend that I met through visiting her blog over the past six months and leaving comments.
In my search for better health and taking responsibility for my own life, I find Karen's wellness counselor advice to be sound and helpful. I realized a long time ago that doctors don't have all of the answers and they don't know my body as well as I do.
Over the past 15 years, my body has become more allergic to things in the air, in medicines and in foods. Because of that, I have chosen to take a more active part in my own health care. As I said in my guest article, the pharmacist that we have used for 20 years recently told my husband that the list of antibiotics that I am allergic to makes it impossible for me to take any of the antibiotics currently on the market. Of the list of medicines that I am allergic to, the pharmacist said that one of those ingredients is in every single antibiotic that is at our disposal today.
What are my choices? Stay healthy, which is my first choice. Or, find natural forms of treatment that work without the harmful side effects of regular medicines. I would much prefer to stay in peak health. Living in our society of air pollution, water pollution, outbreaks of bad food and drugs, I am not sure that is possible.
Because of my food, air and medical allergies, I decided to learn more about my body, about being healthy, about natural ways to do that. I have learned to use Reiki and EFT to work on my body and my emotional issues to help me be healthier. I have learned what herbs and suppliments will help. I have learned to ask questions and search out information. I have learned not to blindly follow doctor's instructions and to look at the possible side effects of any medicines that they may prescribe.
Some of the medicines on the market today have side effects that can kill you or make your health worse than what you started with. Is it worth it??? Not to me. I think the reason that the drug companies have gotten so out of control is so that people will wake up and decide that we need to be more in control of what goes on in and with our bodies and our health.
Part of my searching for more information took me to Karen's site "Best Of Mother Earth." She gives good information. She is willing to answer questions. She doesn't think she is God like some doctors that I have had the misfortune to run across. Karen is very down to earth. That is one of the qualities that have her friends referring to her as "Mother Earth."
I hope that this article guides each of you to take a more active part in your own health and wellness. Have a glorious day.
Patricia
In my search for better health and taking responsibility for my own life, I find Karen's wellness counselor advice to be sound and helpful. I realized a long time ago that doctors don't have all of the answers and they don't know my body as well as I do.
Over the past 15 years, my body has become more allergic to things in the air, in medicines and in foods. Because of that, I have chosen to take a more active part in my own health care. As I said in my guest article, the pharmacist that we have used for 20 years recently told my husband that the list of antibiotics that I am allergic to makes it impossible for me to take any of the antibiotics currently on the market. Of the list of medicines that I am allergic to, the pharmacist said that one of those ingredients is in every single antibiotic that is at our disposal today.
What are my choices? Stay healthy, which is my first choice. Or, find natural forms of treatment that work without the harmful side effects of regular medicines. I would much prefer to stay in peak health. Living in our society of air pollution, water pollution, outbreaks of bad food and drugs, I am not sure that is possible.
Because of my food, air and medical allergies, I decided to learn more about my body, about being healthy, about natural ways to do that. I have learned to use Reiki and EFT to work on my body and my emotional issues to help me be healthier. I have learned what herbs and suppliments will help. I have learned to ask questions and search out information. I have learned not to blindly follow doctor's instructions and to look at the possible side effects of any medicines that they may prescribe.
Some of the medicines on the market today have side effects that can kill you or make your health worse than what you started with. Is it worth it??? Not to me. I think the reason that the drug companies have gotten so out of control is so that people will wake up and decide that we need to be more in control of what goes on in and with our bodies and our health.
Part of my searching for more information took me to Karen's site "Best Of Mother Earth." She gives good information. She is willing to answer questions. She doesn't think she is God like some doctors that I have had the misfortune to run across. Karen is very down to earth. That is one of the qualities that have her friends referring to her as "Mother Earth."
I hope that this article guides each of you to take a more active part in your own health and wellness. Have a glorious day.
Patricia
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Blame And Resentment Are Toxic Emotions
Right now I am reading the book "The Secret of the Shadow, The Power of Owning Your Whole Story" written by Debbie Ford. This is the second of Debbie's books that I have read. The first was a few years ago and called "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers."
On page 88 Debbie says,
"Blame and resentment are the toxic emotions that keep us stuck inside the smallness of our stories. Woven throughout our personal dramas is an underlying conversation that might sound like this: 'Look what you did to me. You screwed up my life. I'm a nothing just like you'; or 'I'm never going to amount to anything---just like you told me.' We hold others responsible for our deficiencies and then set out to prove that we have in fact been ill treated and wronged. Our 'poor me' story becomes our evidence, proving that we've been mistreated, neglected, or abused. And every time we fall short of doing our best, we have the perfect alibi. We get to say, 'If I hadn't had that angry father, lousy girlfriend, alcoholic mother, or been raped, molested, beaten, ignored, abandoned, called names, I wouldn't be like this!' Then we use every failure, every disappointment, every broken relationship or botched business deal to support our conviction that we have been victimized. We continually sabotage our efforts toward success and happiness in order to hold on to our resentment and keep our stories intact. Our continued failures and misery prove to us that we are right and those we blame are wrong."
On page 89 Debbie goes on to say, "The people we blame offer a perfect excuse for our self-sabotage. We are unconsciously punishing them by not being as successful or as happy as we could be. We say, either verbally or nonverbally, 'Look, I really am a failure. You really did hurt me.' "
Are any of you doing this with your story of abuse and pain? Are you allowing your story to keep you from living your dreams, from fulfilling your purpose in life, from being who you were really meant to be?
I am less than half-way through the book and Debbie Ford has given me a lot to think about. What I have learned so far also adds to one of my recent articles "Quit Playing Small And Insignificant" ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/quit-playing-small-and-insignificant.html ) in that our stories can keep us living a very limited life where we don't use all of our abilities and talents because we feel inferior, wounded, damaged, victimized.
In staying stuck in our stories of victimization, we refuse to live a full life. We believe we are victims and we resent those who abused, ignored or abandoned us. We don't feel confident in ourselves. We see ourselves as failing because we hold on to our fears of inadequacy and unworthiness.
What have I learned from this book so far? Quit playing out the victim role of my story. Accept full responsibility for who I am, for where I am going. See and accept the blessings that have come out of my story of abuse and pain. We all have blessings that can come out of our past.
I know that I would not be as strong-willed, as compassionate, as vocal about child abuse without my story. With all of that, my story is not who I am.
Patricia
On page 88 Debbie says,
"Blame and resentment are the toxic emotions that keep us stuck inside the smallness of our stories. Woven throughout our personal dramas is an underlying conversation that might sound like this: 'Look what you did to me. You screwed up my life. I'm a nothing just like you'; or 'I'm never going to amount to anything---just like you told me.' We hold others responsible for our deficiencies and then set out to prove that we have in fact been ill treated and wronged. Our 'poor me' story becomes our evidence, proving that we've been mistreated, neglected, or abused. And every time we fall short of doing our best, we have the perfect alibi. We get to say, 'If I hadn't had that angry father, lousy girlfriend, alcoholic mother, or been raped, molested, beaten, ignored, abandoned, called names, I wouldn't be like this!' Then we use every failure, every disappointment, every broken relationship or botched business deal to support our conviction that we have been victimized. We continually sabotage our efforts toward success and happiness in order to hold on to our resentment and keep our stories intact. Our continued failures and misery prove to us that we are right and those we blame are wrong."
On page 89 Debbie goes on to say, "The people we blame offer a perfect excuse for our self-sabotage. We are unconsciously punishing them by not being as successful or as happy as we could be. We say, either verbally or nonverbally, 'Look, I really am a failure. You really did hurt me.' "
Are any of you doing this with your story of abuse and pain? Are you allowing your story to keep you from living your dreams, from fulfilling your purpose in life, from being who you were really meant to be?
I am less than half-way through the book and Debbie Ford has given me a lot to think about. What I have learned so far also adds to one of my recent articles "Quit Playing Small And Insignificant" ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/quit-playing-small-and-insignificant.html ) in that our stories can keep us living a very limited life where we don't use all of our abilities and talents because we feel inferior, wounded, damaged, victimized.
In staying stuck in our stories of victimization, we refuse to live a full life. We believe we are victims and we resent those who abused, ignored or abandoned us. We don't feel confident in ourselves. We see ourselves as failing because we hold on to our fears of inadequacy and unworthiness.
What have I learned from this book so far? Quit playing out the victim role of my story. Accept full responsibility for who I am, for where I am going. See and accept the blessings that have come out of my story of abuse and pain. We all have blessings that can come out of our past.
I know that I would not be as strong-willed, as compassionate, as vocal about child abuse without my story. With all of that, my story is not who I am.
Patricia
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Quit Playing Small And Insignificant
I am blessed to be able to participate in the "Communicating with Our Spirit Guides---Workshop" that Slade Roberson is hosting for the month of June. Thank you Slade for putting yourself out there to do this workshop. As usual, when you and I communicate, I learn about myself.
For awhile, I have been butting my head up against a wall of my own resistance to growth and searching out new terrritory in my spiritual journey. I recently told Slade that I was being a rebel and rebelling against structure in all forms. The little kid in me (the two-year-old) is in full tantrum mode and has been for awhile. She is always afraid of moving forward, especially spiritually. She is the one who still feels shame and worthlessness. Sometimes, I ignore her tantrums and sometimes, I face them head on and move forward anyway. Sometimes, like the past few months, I just let her throw her tantrum and wait for it to be over. She has strong lungs, like most two-year-olds.
I have waited and waited and waited. Now it is time to move forward again after reassuring her that her fears are unfounded. They are just leftovers from my childhood that need to be let go of. No one is going to hurt her. No one is going to make her life nearly impossible. I will protect her.
In Slade's class, we are learning different ways to get in touch with our spirit guides and to use the information that we get from them. We all get this information in various ways. Most of us ignore the majority of the information and if we do admit to receiving it, we blow it off to imagination or wishful thinking. Slade is teaching us how to know the difference between wishful thinking and the real thing---intuition. Most of the time, our guides use our intuition to speak to us.
Last week's assignment from Slade was to tell us to ask a question of our guides, out loud, and then follow that with the statement, "And my guides say _________." My rebellious two-year-old doesn't like being told what or how to do things. She was afraid.
One of the ways that I have learned to face my fears is to voice it so I did that in an email to the workshop group. Here is part of email that I sent them:
"Slade, I haven't played with the assignment of talking out loud to my guides and asking questions and then saying, 'And then my guides say . . .' I think that I haven't because of the answers that I might get. Am I ready for those answers? Am I ready to accept that much responsibility for my own life and actions and moving forward. Are any of the others in the group feeling what I am or am I just being a coward? . . ."
I got back several wonderful responses from group members that just added to the information that started coming to me from my guides almost immediately after sending the email on its way. Thanks to those who responded, if you are reading this. It made a big difference. Almost as soon as the email hit the air waves, my fear was gone. I have discovered, as I said above, that sometimes just voicing my fears is enough to make them disappear. I have also learned that voicing our own emotions can sometimes be a spur for someone else who may be feeling the same way to voice their feelings as well. We do all like company when we are feeling fear, anger, sadness or happiness.
About two days after sending out the above email, I received a message that loudly said, "Quit playing small and insignificant. It isn't you." I received the message and very quietly to myself say, "Oh, ok, is that way I am doing, again."
Then the articles started coming in from other bloggers telling me the same thing, just in a different format. The first of several came from my daily "Today's Heartfelt Blessing" which you can find at http://www.bettertobless.com/ . I love the messages that I receive daily from Kate. They are always uplifting and full of wisdom given out with humility.
The next article that came to me was from Albert of "Personal Development - The Urban Monk." Albert's article is entitled "The Power of Being You" which you will find at http://www.urbanmonk.net/318/the-power-of-being-yourself/ which starts out with saying, "Each individual brings a uniques light into the world, however, often that light remains buried below the surface of the person others see in us. Discovering that light and letting it shine is one of the fundamental steps each individual must take to become a more whole person." This was an article written by a guest author---Alexander De Foe. Thank you Alexander and Albert for this article.
At this point in my week, I started to realize how determined my guides were that I get the meaning of their information. Then I got the following article from the blog "6 WEEKS" written by Brett and found at http://6weeks.ca/?p=215 . What Brett told me came to him from Battlestar Galactica and was that "God loves you because you are perfect, just the way that you are." Then Brett went on to quote my favorite Marianne Williamson saying:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
For awhile, I have been butting my head up against a wall of my own resistance to growth and searching out new terrritory in my spiritual journey. I recently told Slade that I was being a rebel and rebelling against structure in all forms. The little kid in me (the two-year-old) is in full tantrum mode and has been for awhile. She is always afraid of moving forward, especially spiritually. She is the one who still feels shame and worthlessness. Sometimes, I ignore her tantrums and sometimes, I face them head on and move forward anyway. Sometimes, like the past few months, I just let her throw her tantrum and wait for it to be over. She has strong lungs, like most two-year-olds.
I have waited and waited and waited. Now it is time to move forward again after reassuring her that her fears are unfounded. They are just leftovers from my childhood that need to be let go of. No one is going to hurt her. No one is going to make her life nearly impossible. I will protect her.
In Slade's class, we are learning different ways to get in touch with our spirit guides and to use the information that we get from them. We all get this information in various ways. Most of us ignore the majority of the information and if we do admit to receiving it, we blow it off to imagination or wishful thinking. Slade is teaching us how to know the difference between wishful thinking and the real thing---intuition. Most of the time, our guides use our intuition to speak to us.
Last week's assignment from Slade was to tell us to ask a question of our guides, out loud, and then follow that with the statement, "And my guides say _________." My rebellious two-year-old doesn't like being told what or how to do things. She was afraid.
One of the ways that I have learned to face my fears is to voice it so I did that in an email to the workshop group. Here is part of email that I sent them:
"Slade, I haven't played with the assignment of talking out loud to my guides and asking questions and then saying, 'And then my guides say . . .' I think that I haven't because of the answers that I might get. Am I ready for those answers? Am I ready to accept that much responsibility for my own life and actions and moving forward. Are any of the others in the group feeling what I am or am I just being a coward? . . ."
I got back several wonderful responses from group members that just added to the information that started coming to me from my guides almost immediately after sending the email on its way. Thanks to those who responded, if you are reading this. It made a big difference. Almost as soon as the email hit the air waves, my fear was gone. I have discovered, as I said above, that sometimes just voicing my fears is enough to make them disappear. I have also learned that voicing our own emotions can sometimes be a spur for someone else who may be feeling the same way to voice their feelings as well. We do all like company when we are feeling fear, anger, sadness or happiness.
About two days after sending out the above email, I received a message that loudly said, "Quit playing small and insignificant. It isn't you." I received the message and very quietly to myself say, "Oh, ok, is that way I am doing, again."
Then the articles started coming in from other bloggers telling me the same thing, just in a different format. The first of several came from my daily "Today's Heartfelt Blessing" which you can find at http://www.bettertobless.com/ . I love the messages that I receive daily from Kate. They are always uplifting and full of wisdom given out with humility.
The next article that came to me was from Albert of "Personal Development - The Urban Monk." Albert's article is entitled "The Power of Being You" which you will find at http://www.urbanmonk.net/318/the-power-of-being-yourself/ which starts out with saying, "Each individual brings a uniques light into the world, however, often that light remains buried below the surface of the person others see in us. Discovering that light and letting it shine is one of the fundamental steps each individual must take to become a more whole person." This was an article written by a guest author---Alexander De Foe. Thank you Alexander and Albert for this article.
At this point in my week, I started to realize how determined my guides were that I get the meaning of their information. Then I got the following article from the blog "6 WEEKS" written by Brett and found at http://6weeks.ca/?p=215 . What Brett told me came to him from Battlestar Galactica and was that "God loves you because you are perfect, just the way that you are." Then Brett went on to quote my favorite Marianne Williamson saying:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
By the time that I finished reading Brett's article, I was laughing and told my guides, out loud so they would know I was serious, "Ok, I get the message." I do love what Marianne says and I guess I needed to be reminded of it. So, okay, people, quit playing small and insignificant. It isn't you and it doesn't suit you or anyone else for you to do it. Let your Light shine for all of the world to see. You never know who may be watching and learning from you about how to let their Light shine too. Isn't this world and time a glorious place to be? Can you tell that "glorious" is my favorite word. It has such a wonderful feel. One of these days, my two-year-old inner child might just reach out and grab onto that glory herself.
Patricia
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Living Life To Its Fullest Means Feeling It All
A friend sent me this in an email:
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.' "
For the most part I am a "Good morning, Lord." type of person but occasionally I do wake up after a long, hard sleepless night and think, "Good Lord, it's morning." What kind of person are you?
Over the past few days, I have cried a lot over things that I have read in books and over TV movies. I love to watch movies (good Chik Flicks) that make me laugh and make me cry. Girls can do that. Guys, aren't most of you envious over how easy a girl can cry?
Some of the tears have been heart felt, feel good tears.
Some of the tears have been tears of sadness and remembering of childhood events.
Some of the tears have been over the horrors that some people can do to others---senseless killings and abuse of innocent children are examples.
Some of the tears were caused by a nightmare that I had a few mornings ago.
What do I think about all of those tears? I think they are glorious. You ask, "Is she crazy? Has she lost her mind?" Not at all. It is glorious to feel whatever I feel wherever I feel it.
Once upon a time, a very long time ago, a child realized it was too dangerous to express feelings. You see all her daddy did with his emotions was to rant and rage and become violent.
Next, this same little girl discovered that it hurt too much to feel everything. What did she do? She shut all of her emotions down and buried them deep inside where no one, where not even she, could find them.
What did this do the the little girl and her world? It made everything be seen through shades of gray. Sometimes, the sadness and the tears would sneak out in uncontrollable crying jags late at night when she was all alone as a young woman.
As the woman that I am today, why do I say that the tears of the weekend were glorious? Because I no longer see the world just as shades of gray. The world is full of glorious colors---loud and bright and varied. After stuffing those emotions for so many years of my life, what I feel today---the sadness, the happiness, the grief, the joy---everyone of them is glorious because I am feeling them all fully, to the best of my ability.
Without the tears and grief, I would not know what the joy and happiness feel like either. You can't shut down one and feel the other. The mind doesn't work that way. When you stuff one, you stuff them all. Loving yourself means being willing to feel everything that you feel.
Live life to its fullest. Feel to the fullest. That entails the tears and the joy and everything in between. Live life in all its glory. Live life BIG.
Patricia
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.' "
For the most part I am a "Good morning, Lord." type of person but occasionally I do wake up after a long, hard sleepless night and think, "Good Lord, it's morning." What kind of person are you?
Over the past few days, I have cried a lot over things that I have read in books and over TV movies. I love to watch movies (good Chik Flicks) that make me laugh and make me cry. Girls can do that. Guys, aren't most of you envious over how easy a girl can cry?
Some of the tears have been heart felt, feel good tears.
Some of the tears have been tears of sadness and remembering of childhood events.
Some of the tears have been over the horrors that some people can do to others---senseless killings and abuse of innocent children are examples.
Some of the tears were caused by a nightmare that I had a few mornings ago.
What do I think about all of those tears? I think they are glorious. You ask, "Is she crazy? Has she lost her mind?" Not at all. It is glorious to feel whatever I feel wherever I feel it.
Once upon a time, a very long time ago, a child realized it was too dangerous to express feelings. You see all her daddy did with his emotions was to rant and rage and become violent.
Next, this same little girl discovered that it hurt too much to feel everything. What did she do? She shut all of her emotions down and buried them deep inside where no one, where not even she, could find them.
What did this do the the little girl and her world? It made everything be seen through shades of gray. Sometimes, the sadness and the tears would sneak out in uncontrollable crying jags late at night when she was all alone as a young woman.
As the woman that I am today, why do I say that the tears of the weekend were glorious? Because I no longer see the world just as shades of gray. The world is full of glorious colors---loud and bright and varied. After stuffing those emotions for so many years of my life, what I feel today---the sadness, the happiness, the grief, the joy---everyone of them is glorious because I am feeling them all fully, to the best of my ability.
Without the tears and grief, I would not know what the joy and happiness feel like either. You can't shut down one and feel the other. The mind doesn't work that way. When you stuff one, you stuff them all. Loving yourself means being willing to feel everything that you feel.
Live life to its fullest. Feel to the fullest. That entails the tears and the joy and everything in between. Live life in all its glory. Live life BIG.
Patricia
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Why Do We Get Stuck In The Blame?
CK Reyes of Divine Purpose Unleashed ( http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/ ) has provided me with the spark of inspiration for this article when she recently left a comment at the end of my article "Blame Keeps You Stuck . . . " found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/blame-keeps-you-stuck-incest-may-be.html .
In her comment CK talks about how blaming can keep us in the victim mode. Then she gives a list of three thoughts that can form the dynamic of blaming for many of us. Go read the rest of her comment at the above article link and come back here for my answer to her statement, "Until we stop blaming ourself, I think that this dynamic can keep the cycle of abuse going." And her question to me, "What do you think?"
My siblings and I were raised with the same dynamic about loving that CK mentions. We were taught to love our parents who then abused us either actively with sexual abuse and alcoholism or covertly by withholding love as a way of showing disapproval. From our dad, we were taught that the threat of physical violence and verbal violence were just a breath away from happening in our home. Silence was just effective of a weapon taught by our mother who also sometimes would slap you across the face if you said something she didn't like. I remember those slaps as being the most humiliating moments of my life.
We were taught to love our parents. In order to do that, for me, that meant stuffing any emotions that I felt because they had the potential to become violent and hurt others if they were released. That also meant protecting my mom from having to feel her own emotions so I also took those on. Don't ask me how that process worked. I don't have an answer. I just know that is what I did. How do you truly love someone else when your own emotions are stuffed and unfelt? I couldn't until I learned to feel the whole range of emotions many years later.
One of the unspoken lessons of this dynamic is, to quote CK, "The abuse must mean love." That was the lesson that I and many other children of abuse learned from our parents and their brand of love. I was terrified of people and being hurt. I was in love with the idea of being in love. How could I possibly know what love was? I thought I knew from reading books and from TV movies. Believe me when I say, that is not what love is. My parents thought me that being loved meant being abused. The books and movies said that when someone loved you, they would protect you. Talk about confusion!!!
The first boy that was brave enough (or arrogant enough to think he could outwit my dad) to ask my dad if I could go out on a date with him was also an abuser. I didn't see it at the time. All I saw was LOVE. I thought if he paid attention to me, he must care. He must love me the way that I so desperately craved to be loved, the way that I so desperately craved to be the center of someone else's world. I just wanted someone to protect me and take me out of my life. If this boy had asked I would have left home, run away (I knew my dad would never let me go.) and I would have become a battered woman. There is no doubt in my mind.
This boy saw me as someone weaker than him who could be manipulated and treated however he chose. What he did do was take me to his sister's house to borrow her clothes to wear because what I was wearing (I had spent hours trying to put together a pants suit.) wasn't good enough for our date, in his eyes. (That was my first sign that something wasn't right about this date.) We went out to eat and then to a bar on the Bossier Strip (Bossier City, Louisiana, 1970's). We then went to his lake cabin where we had sex.
You have to understand that in my mind sex equated to the only way that a man could love a woman. In my love dynamic, Love Equals Sex, otherwise a man had no interest in a woman. I didn't know that I could choose to say no. I didn't know that I had a right to say no if that was my choice. I am not proud of this part of my life and my daughter is learning about much of it now since she reads my blog articles. I was a needy, naive, hurting child at the age of 19. In many ways at 19, I was still that 11 year old who was sexually abused. So, I allowed the abuse to happen again, in the form of this boyfriend. I thank God that he only asked me out a total of four times and he never asked me to run away with him, even though on our first date, he made the comment that he ought to take me away from my dad. There was instant animosity between the two of them. They recognised each other as being made from the same mold. The fourth time that this boy asked me out, I had the courage to say no.
The next boy that asked me out was an alcoholic but I didn't notice it at the time. There was no sex with this boy because I had finally begun to discover that I could say no. Me saying no may very well be the reason that there was no second date. I would run across this boy on campus at college occasionally. He went back to his old girlfriend who would drink with him and probably also said yes to sex. Don't take that as a judgment against her. That is not the way I meant it.
Then, by the grace of God, I met the boy who was to become my husband. That is not to say that there wasn't dysfunction in our relationship. There was. We both came from families with alcoholism. Mine was more obvious than my husband's. His dad was a dry drunk, which means that my husband never saw his dad take a drink. He quit when he married my mother-in-law.
The third part of CK's dynamic is "If someone loves me, then they must abuse me and if they don't I need to find someone who will so I can be loved." My sister is my best example of seeing this constantly being played out in her life. (Joann is reading this.) I have watched her time after time be in a relationship with someone who abuses her emotionally and physically. This has probably been the most difficult part of my life---watching someone that I love being abused. It isn't something that I can change for her. I keep telling her that when she learns to love herself that she will make the changes necessary to find someone who truly loves her. This is something that I learned in Al-Anon. (I didn't create it. I can't cure it. I can't fix it.) We always manage to find the people who will treat us the way that we expect to be treated. When we love ourselves then we will only attract others who love us in the same way.
By the time that my husband came along, I was beginning to feel good about myself. I still wasn't healthy. I still wasn't dealing with the abuse. I was still choosing to pretend that if I didn't acknowledge the abuse, then it wasn't affecting me. God put people in my life that taught me that I had something good in me that was worth loving. I can look back at both of the boys that I dated and see the disaster that my life would be today if either of them had asked me to take our relationships any further than we did. Thank you God that they didn't ask.
What changed that dynamic for me? Learning to love myself. Was it an easy journey? No. There were times when others loved me enough that I could start to see that I was lovable. It started with small moments of feeling good about myself. It progressed to today when most of the time I really do love who I am, who I am becoming.
The hard part that I am still working on is loving the person that I was, especially the child that I was. Taking that child in my lap and holding her and loving her as much as I love my own son and daughter is something that I have learned to do. Doing creative things like writing and quilting are things that I can do that that child loves. Breaking the cycle of blame is done by loving yourself, loving all of yourself, especially the wounded parts that need your love and understanding the most.
CK, have I answered your question or just made more questions come to mind?
After reading over what I just wrote and going back to CK's question, I realized that I haven't talked about changing from blaming myself for the abuse to loving myself in spite of the abuse. Once I start writing, I am usually going with the flow of the words and sometimes get sidetracked.
Learning to not blame myself for the abuse was a big part of learning to love myself. Looking at children, especially my own children, helped me to stop blaming myself. I look at my children and know that if they were abused by an adult that it would definitely not be their fault. In abuse of any kind, the child is not at fault. The child is taught to think that it is their fault by the adult that abused them. It is called shame. Shame gets passed from the abuser to the abused. The abuser does this in order not to feel their own guilt. Children take on the shame because they don't know anything else to do. They believe the adult, especially if that adult is a parent. Have I completely let go of this shame in my own life? Probably not. Why do I say that? Because I am occasionally surprised to find another small pocket of it that pops up in my consciousness sometimes. I have learned to take out the inner child and hold her and hug her and love her each time that I find a new pocket of shame and talk to her until she knows that the abuse wasn't her fault. Will she/I ever be completely healed of this? I don't know.
Patricia
In her comment CK talks about how blaming can keep us in the victim mode. Then she gives a list of three thoughts that can form the dynamic of blaming for many of us. Go read the rest of her comment at the above article link and come back here for my answer to her statement, "Until we stop blaming ourself, I think that this dynamic can keep the cycle of abuse going." And her question to me, "What do you think?"
My siblings and I were raised with the same dynamic about loving that CK mentions. We were taught to love our parents who then abused us either actively with sexual abuse and alcoholism or covertly by withholding love as a way of showing disapproval. From our dad, we were taught that the threat of physical violence and verbal violence were just a breath away from happening in our home. Silence was just effective of a weapon taught by our mother who also sometimes would slap you across the face if you said something she didn't like. I remember those slaps as being the most humiliating moments of my life.
We were taught to love our parents. In order to do that, for me, that meant stuffing any emotions that I felt because they had the potential to become violent and hurt others if they were released. That also meant protecting my mom from having to feel her own emotions so I also took those on. Don't ask me how that process worked. I don't have an answer. I just know that is what I did. How do you truly love someone else when your own emotions are stuffed and unfelt? I couldn't until I learned to feel the whole range of emotions many years later.
One of the unspoken lessons of this dynamic is, to quote CK, "The abuse must mean love." That was the lesson that I and many other children of abuse learned from our parents and their brand of love. I was terrified of people and being hurt. I was in love with the idea of being in love. How could I possibly know what love was? I thought I knew from reading books and from TV movies. Believe me when I say, that is not what love is. My parents thought me that being loved meant being abused. The books and movies said that when someone loved you, they would protect you. Talk about confusion!!!
The first boy that was brave enough (or arrogant enough to think he could outwit my dad) to ask my dad if I could go out on a date with him was also an abuser. I didn't see it at the time. All I saw was LOVE. I thought if he paid attention to me, he must care. He must love me the way that I so desperately craved to be loved, the way that I so desperately craved to be the center of someone else's world. I just wanted someone to protect me and take me out of my life. If this boy had asked I would have left home, run away (I knew my dad would never let me go.) and I would have become a battered woman. There is no doubt in my mind.
This boy saw me as someone weaker than him who could be manipulated and treated however he chose. What he did do was take me to his sister's house to borrow her clothes to wear because what I was wearing (I had spent hours trying to put together a pants suit.) wasn't good enough for our date, in his eyes. (That was my first sign that something wasn't right about this date.) We went out to eat and then to a bar on the Bossier Strip (Bossier City, Louisiana, 1970's). We then went to his lake cabin where we had sex.
You have to understand that in my mind sex equated to the only way that a man could love a woman. In my love dynamic, Love Equals Sex, otherwise a man had no interest in a woman. I didn't know that I could choose to say no. I didn't know that I had a right to say no if that was my choice. I am not proud of this part of my life and my daughter is learning about much of it now since she reads my blog articles. I was a needy, naive, hurting child at the age of 19. In many ways at 19, I was still that 11 year old who was sexually abused. So, I allowed the abuse to happen again, in the form of this boyfriend. I thank God that he only asked me out a total of four times and he never asked me to run away with him, even though on our first date, he made the comment that he ought to take me away from my dad. There was instant animosity between the two of them. They recognised each other as being made from the same mold. The fourth time that this boy asked me out, I had the courage to say no.
The next boy that asked me out was an alcoholic but I didn't notice it at the time. There was no sex with this boy because I had finally begun to discover that I could say no. Me saying no may very well be the reason that there was no second date. I would run across this boy on campus at college occasionally. He went back to his old girlfriend who would drink with him and probably also said yes to sex. Don't take that as a judgment against her. That is not the way I meant it.
Then, by the grace of God, I met the boy who was to become my husband. That is not to say that there wasn't dysfunction in our relationship. There was. We both came from families with alcoholism. Mine was more obvious than my husband's. His dad was a dry drunk, which means that my husband never saw his dad take a drink. He quit when he married my mother-in-law.
The third part of CK's dynamic is "If someone loves me, then they must abuse me and if they don't I need to find someone who will so I can be loved." My sister is my best example of seeing this constantly being played out in her life. (Joann is reading this.) I have watched her time after time be in a relationship with someone who abuses her emotionally and physically. This has probably been the most difficult part of my life---watching someone that I love being abused. It isn't something that I can change for her. I keep telling her that when she learns to love herself that she will make the changes necessary to find someone who truly loves her. This is something that I learned in Al-Anon. (I didn't create it. I can't cure it. I can't fix it.) We always manage to find the people who will treat us the way that we expect to be treated. When we love ourselves then we will only attract others who love us in the same way.
By the time that my husband came along, I was beginning to feel good about myself. I still wasn't healthy. I still wasn't dealing with the abuse. I was still choosing to pretend that if I didn't acknowledge the abuse, then it wasn't affecting me. God put people in my life that taught me that I had something good in me that was worth loving. I can look back at both of the boys that I dated and see the disaster that my life would be today if either of them had asked me to take our relationships any further than we did. Thank you God that they didn't ask.
What changed that dynamic for me? Learning to love myself. Was it an easy journey? No. There were times when others loved me enough that I could start to see that I was lovable. It started with small moments of feeling good about myself. It progressed to today when most of the time I really do love who I am, who I am becoming.
The hard part that I am still working on is loving the person that I was, especially the child that I was. Taking that child in my lap and holding her and loving her as much as I love my own son and daughter is something that I have learned to do. Doing creative things like writing and quilting are things that I can do that that child loves. Breaking the cycle of blame is done by loving yourself, loving all of yourself, especially the wounded parts that need your love and understanding the most.
CK, have I answered your question or just made more questions come to mind?
After reading over what I just wrote and going back to CK's question, I realized that I haven't talked about changing from blaming myself for the abuse to loving myself in spite of the abuse. Once I start writing, I am usually going with the flow of the words and sometimes get sidetracked.
Learning to not blame myself for the abuse was a big part of learning to love myself. Looking at children, especially my own children, helped me to stop blaming myself. I look at my children and know that if they were abused by an adult that it would definitely not be their fault. In abuse of any kind, the child is not at fault. The child is taught to think that it is their fault by the adult that abused them. It is called shame. Shame gets passed from the abuser to the abused. The abuser does this in order not to feel their own guilt. Children take on the shame because they don't know anything else to do. They believe the adult, especially if that adult is a parent. Have I completely let go of this shame in my own life? Probably not. Why do I say that? Because I am occasionally surprised to find another small pocket of it that pops up in my consciousness sometimes. I have learned to take out the inner child and hold her and hug her and love her each time that I find a new pocket of shame and talk to her until she knows that the abuse wasn't her fault. Will she/I ever be completely healed of this? I don't know.
Patricia
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Using Your Pain To Live Your Divine Purpose
My title comes from a discussion that I have been having with CK Reyes and Michelle Vandepas over at Divine Purpose Unleashed. The article is called "Who Else Wants To Use Their Pain to Live Their Divine Purpose?" Instead of writing a regular article here, I ask that you click on the following underlined link and read the article and the comments back and forth between the three of us---CK, Michelle and me.
The article is found at the following link:
http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/use-your-pain-live-your-purpose/
You can come back here and leave comments on the article at Divine Purpose Unleashed or come back here and leave comments about my comments. Check out the other articles written by CK and Michelle as well on their site.
Patricia
The article is found at the following link:
http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/use-your-pain-live-your-purpose/
You can come back here and leave comments on the article at Divine Purpose Unleashed or come back here and leave comments about my comments. Check out the other articles written by CK and Michelle as well on their site.
Patricia
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