tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post2587405833516688627..comments2024-02-13T05:21:26.676-06:00Comments on Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: Healing From Abuse Means Doing The Work of HealingPatricia Singletonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-14169184243753772932011-08-10T13:34:45.513-05:002011-08-10T13:34:45.513-05:00Pam, you make perfect sense. You are very welcome....Pam, you make perfect sense. You are very welcome. My goal is to help others with sharing my experiences on my blog. In the process, I am doing some more of my own healing work as well. <br /><br />I can't tell you whether we ever reach a place of not having to deal with incest issues. I do go for stretches of time when I don't have issues in my face. Then there are times like this month where I am back working on my issues as they come up. <br /><br />The pain of this recent issue was mild compared to the pain of healing my early issues. The days that I don't have issues to work on now number greater than the days that I have to deal with incest issues. Thank you God.<br /><br />I didn't consciously decide to forgive my abusers. The forgiveness was a consequence of letting go of my own hurt, rage and tears. It just happened when I was faced with my dad's possible death. I went to his hospital room to say I forgive you for what you did to me as a child. I didn't say it out loud because there were other people in the room and because my dad wouldn't have accepted it if I had probably. He was too busy raging against his doctor because he couldn't smoke in his room. All he cared about was his cigarettes. He was like a mean, cranky child who wanted what he wanted and didn't care about the consequences to him or anyone else. The words weren't for him anyway. The forgiveness was for me.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-12545155820066336252011-08-10T13:18:44.020-05:002011-08-10T13:18:44.020-05:00Pat, I don't turn my anger inward anymore and ...Pat, I don't turn my anger inward anymore and I have finally, in the last five years put the blame where it belonged. It was late last night so I probably didn't make myself clear. I just know that I don't want to stay in this spot as you described in your post. It's time to move to the next level. I do forgive my family, I just resolve the problems in our relationship alone. It makes me sad that I'm not worth enough to them to work on things but I have to respect that choice. I just don't have to hang around and be disrespected. I don't know if I forgive the men who abused me. On a certain level, I do but it's so long ago and I never dealt with the abuse correctly. I think they are as objectified in my thinking as I was when they abused me. Forgiveness comes in layers and it can't be forced. I want to be done with the sexual abuse portion of my life but I'm not sure that I am. I hope I make better sense this morning. Thanks for your posts and comments. Love,Pam.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-60786052696160924652011-08-09T23:15:21.269-05:002011-08-09T23:15:21.269-05:00Pam, a certain amount of blaming is healthy becaus...Pam, a certain amount of blaming is healthy because it allows us to put the responsibility for the abuse back where it belongs. Blaming allowed me to get angry and claim it as mine for the first time. After awhile, if you are doing the work of healing, it is time to stop blaming and get on with healing. If all you do is continue to blame year after year after year and you don't work through the anger and let it go, the anger starts to hurt you in the form of illnesses and bitterness. Your anger doesn't hurt the abuser. They could care less. They have moved on to their next victim. Holding onto the anger makes you sick with arthritis or cancer or heart disease or high blood pressure or diabetes. In order to heal you have to let the anger go and you can't do that if you are still blaming. Those illnesses come from the anger turned inward that you talked about. Addictions are another way that you can harm yourself. As a survivor, you don't deserve to continue punishing yourself by turning your anger inward. You deserve to be free of all of that anger. Thank you for visiting and commenting here.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-60532290207877231752011-08-09T22:05:55.609-05:002011-08-09T22:05:55.609-05:00Hi, Patricia it's Pam again. I really enjoyed ...Hi, Patricia it's Pam again. I really enjoyed this as it expresses a concern of mine. I too don't want to be defined by my abuse experiences. That's why I don't say much about it on my own site. I do want to get well and help others when I can but my abuse isn't the sum of who I am. I know I can't write about it every day even though I greately appreciate you and Darlene and some others who do.<br /><br />I did this so backwards from most. I too responsibility for me a long time before I started placing blame where it belonged. I never could have changed my own behavior it I hadn't but I never could end my own inner turmoil or learn to relate to others in a healthier way if I hadn't put the blame where it belongs on thos who abused me.<br /><br />I did have a lot of rage in my twenties but most of my anger was turned inward. I didn't beat on others, I beat on me. I had to turn my anger outward and aim it where it belonged. Anger can be good but when it is expressed in ways that endanger ourselves or others that expression has to change and the anger has to be directed toward those who hurt us so deeply. Being abused can be a reason for blowing up on some innocent person because the said the wrong thing but it is never an excuse. It is also good to look for the reasons in our past that are the root of our own bad behavior but our past is also never an excuse for our hurting others. No matter the reason for why we behave the way we do, we are always responsible for our own behavior and never for the behavior of another.<br /><br />PamAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-1379020291223214762011-07-30T11:42:03.844-05:002011-07-30T11:42:03.844-05:00Veronica, I was silent about the incest for so man...Veronica, I was silent about the incest for so many years that when I finally found a safe place to talk about my experiences that it was like someone had opened flood gates. All of the words that I had held in just came pouring out of me. As with most adult children from dysfunctional homes I did extremes until I learned to look for and find the balance and harmony of middle ground. <br /><br />Today I talk about my abuse to help others and in sharing my past, I have cleared the way for more issues to come up for myself - issues that I thought I was finished with.<br /><br />In the beginning, I believe that each of us has to do a certain amount of wallowing in order to hear and validate our own suffering and neglect from our childhoods. How do you know when it is time to stop wallowing and move on? I think that is a question that we each have to ask ourselves. How did I know when that time came for me? I didn't hurt as much when talking about the incest. The rage was gone. I was ready to let joy and pleasure back into my life. I loved myself enough to let go.<br /><br />Learning to love myself is the best thing that ever happened to me. Loving myself allowed the healing to happen. <br /><br />I hope that you do write your own post on this topic Veronica. When you do, please come back and leave a link to it here. Have a glorious day.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-46163068039980025002011-07-30T10:51:28.805-05:002011-07-30T10:51:28.805-05:00Since reading abuse survivor blogs, I've notic...Since reading abuse survivor blogs, I've noticed that so many of them seem to be wallowing in the abuse. I made that comment to my husband last night! I also said that I needed to blog about it, but you've done it so beautifully! For me and my experience, I talked about my abuse, but then crossed over into the wallowing. I had to learn that I was getting something out of being a victim to be able to move beyond that stage. That was an extremely difficult thing to accept about myself. Suffering was the drug that I was addicted to. I think that it might be a similar situation for most. To realize that they've been continuing their suffering because they are 'getting off' on it is a pretty ugly thing to accept. When you accept that, then you realize that you have a choice....that no matter what was done to you the crap left over is your fault if you don't do anything to get rid of it. Once you accept this, you can come to the realization that you have the personal powerful to do and to be what you choose. This is a hard lesson, but so empowing!Veronica Messegeehttp://veronicamessegee.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-27674903321930044192011-07-30T02:05:16.900-05:002011-07-30T02:05:16.900-05:00From Tracie, thanks for coming back and posting th...From Tracie, thanks for coming back and posting the link to Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for July. I hope everyone that reads this post will join me in going to Tracie's blog From Tracie and reading the submissions from this month.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-82707611335633202072011-07-30T02:02:19.914-05:002011-07-30T02:02:19.914-05:00Mrs4444, thank you. You are very welcome. Reachin...Mrs4444, thank you. You are very welcome. Reaching out to others helps to pass on what others have done for me over the years when I needed a helping hand or a kind word. I believe in paying it forward. No one should have to do this work of healing alone. As long as I am able I will continue to share my strength and hold with others.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-73871521494369575432011-07-29T23:05:02.954-05:002011-07-29T23:05:02.954-05:00It is! I got it up this afternoon.
http://www.fr...It is! I got it up this afternoon. <br /><br />http://www.fromtracie.com/2011/07/blog-against-child-abuse-july-2011.htmlTracie Nallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07908908021649000930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-57078450271958396192011-07-29T22:54:49.476-05:002011-07-29T22:54:49.476-05:00Congratulations on having worked through your issu...Congratulations on having worked through your issues and healing from incest. I have done the same and feel very grateful to be a whole person today because of my work. Thanks for reaching out to others.Mrs4444https://www.blogger.com/profile/06426176094895489541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-51067870866326211672011-07-29T15:36:45.758-05:002011-07-29T15:36:45.758-05:00From Tracie, thank you. I am glad that it resonat...From Tracie, thank you. I am glad that it resonates with you still. I should go and read it again myself. Thank you for hosting this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Is the Carnival posted yet?Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-49569146144248721792011-07-29T15:23:17.127-05:002011-07-29T15:23:17.127-05:00I'm so glad that you submitted this to the Blo...I'm so glad that you submitted this to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse...because it is awesome, and also because it gave me a chance to read through it again!! <br /><br />There is so much good stuff in this post. This time around, I was struck by completely different things than I was the first time.Tracie Nallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07908908021649000930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-78672086194039223242011-07-27T21:14:38.212-05:002011-07-27T21:14:38.212-05:00Lynn, thank you. I have never had a doctor ask me...Lynn, thank you. I have never had a doctor ask me about sexual abuse. I have volunteered the information because I feel like my incest issues play a big part in my physical illnesses over the years. I have even told my dentist because having someone that close, in my face, brings up the fight or flight response in me that being sexually abused does too.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-47182624785408875772011-07-27T20:43:24.195-05:002011-07-27T20:43:24.195-05:00I ditto what Patricia said. Sometimes I am gratefu...I ditto what Patricia said. Sometimes I am grateful for places I go where I don't tell my story, like a painting class. There, I feel comfortable in my own skin almost as if I did not have a story with dark undertones. It's part of the process of recovery to be with people and appear refreshed, instead of depressed. Therein lies the light. On the other hand: about 5 years ago I had to find a new doctor. In the initial interview, after going over my history of depression, migraines, fibromyalgia, etc. the woman DR asked, "Have you ever been sexually assaulted." I said NO! After years of speaking out at conferences about rape and suicide and how the medical profession needs to put 2 + 2 together, and figure out WHY a person has symptoms, I myself said NO. As she had her hand on the door at the end of my visit, I said, "I have something I should tell you." I then told her the fact of child abuse, not the details. That day was a set back, but I recovered to authenticity just in time. Besides, we were trained not to tell. Hard to untrain!Lynnhttp://beyondthetears.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-13828279072084749022011-07-26T01:03:35.939-05:002011-07-26T01:03:35.939-05:00Miss Pinks, you are very welcome. Everytime that ...Miss Pinks, you are very welcome. Everytime that I have told my story to a new person or a new group or even in a new way, it is different and I still have fears come up. Four years ago when I started sharing my story with this blog, I was scared of the reactions that I would get from anybody who read my words. This was after close to 20 years of telling my story in 12-Step groups. <br /><br />Then I did a few guest blog articles on other people's blogs over the past few years, again the fear was there. Last year when I started doing radio interviews which now number four, the fear was there. Each time has gotten a little easier. The fourth radio interview, I wasn't shaking inside and outside like the first one. <br /><br />When I started sharing my blog articles on Facebook and Twitter, that was another new audience. Does the fear of breaking the silence of abuse ever completely go away? You will have to ask someone else. For me the fear is smaller but it hasn't gone away yet. It is manageable.<br /><br />Yes, many healing events can be exhausting. I take that as a sign that those events were big ones and I count those as major victories. Those events also teach me to take better care of myself. Sometimes I get busy with life and forget to do certain things that I need to do to take care of my body, my emotional and spiritual needs. All of those needs are important. <br /><br />Taking care of those needs is loving myself the way that I deserve to be loved. All growth, even when it is painful is good because growth is stepping forward to meet life in all of its fullness.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-45368998239140512392011-07-25T20:12:55.643-05:002011-07-25T20:12:55.643-05:00Wow, thank you Lynn for your answer, i do believe ...Wow, thank you Lynn for your answer, i do believe you are correct that telling your story gives you more control over the story and less power over you. Thank you for your response it was really helpful<br /><br />Patricia thanks for your insight, its interessting to see how opening up led the way to continue talking about it and letting out what had been caged up inside of you. I hope one day i can share my story in this way. I find your blog posts really insightful and its interesting to read the comments, you have a wonderful blog here that seems to be helping many.<br /><br />I guess what i am struggling with at the moment is the initial telling of the story, even without the details, which i find strange,<br />being as i have told it in the past, just when i was still in shock. Its now so hard. I was just wondering being as some surivors go through many cycles of acceptance and and denial, does their ability to tell their story change, and it does it mean, having to keep<br />breaking the silence, all over again. I dont know it just seems<br />so many aspects of healing are exhausting.<br /><br />People who have mananaged to overcome their abuse by really living their life seem like angels on earth in my opinion. I don't know how they do it.<br />It so inspires me.<br /><br />Thanks Patricia for this post!<br /><br />PinksMissPinkshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02337301364412891857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-39885895656445894212011-07-24T11:01:40.924-05:002011-07-24T11:01:40.924-05:00From Tracie, you are very welcome. Boundaries are ...From Tracie, you are very welcome. Boundaries are such an important part of living a healthy life and something that few survivors were ever taught by their parents.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-74781318181297353892011-07-24T02:42:07.031-05:002011-07-24T02:42:07.031-05:00So much of this resonated with me today....especia...So much of this resonated with me today....especially triggers and paterns. <br /><br />I love that you said, "Triggers don't happen to make you blow up all over someone else." I am dealing with someone right now in my personal life who allows themselves to blow up....and that sentence made it very clear to me what kind of boundaries I need to consciously set with that person. <br /><br />Thank you for that!Tracie Nallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07908908021649000930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-65528177768892253692011-07-21T10:38:25.347-05:002011-07-21T10:38:25.347-05:00Irene, thank you for your comment. Yes, my post wo...Irene, thank you for your comment. Yes, my post would apply to someone who is a survivor of any kind of abuse or depression issues-any kind of recovery or healing work that needs to be done. Victims don't feel that they have any kind of personal power. Survivors in healing claim their personal power sometimes for the first time in their lives. <br /><br />You are very welcome. I am glad that my post was of help to you in your journey.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-3768328202508041862011-07-21T00:34:00.855-05:002011-07-21T00:34:00.855-05:00You are a bright light, Patricia! Your post is ver...You are a bright light, Patricia! Your post is very enlightening. Not only incest victims can benefit from this but other people who want healing from their own issues. I, for one, am still in the process of healing from depression and this article made me realize that I am not exerting much effort for my own healing. I learned that I have to work harder. I still get irritated and at times, feel rage, because of these so-called 'triggers' because of unresolved issues since my childhood. But thank you for your reminder that I have the power to resolve my own issues for my own personal healing.<br /><br />Thank you for giving me hope, Patricia. God bless. :-)Irenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10328342211129410370noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-43307539946386319432011-07-20T18:32:27.980-05:002011-07-20T18:32:27.980-05:00Renee_1 Renee, thanks for visiting and commenting....Renee_1 Renee, thanks for visiting and commenting. Yes, life can be "beautiful even in the mist of healing." I love those words, so descriptive. I hope that you will find the information here helpful.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-92073757551355895822011-07-20T17:00:07.094-05:002011-07-20T17:00:07.094-05:00I visited a forum for survivors after I had begun ...I visited a forum for survivors after I had begun to work through my abuse. Reading through countless threads of people who were stuck in victim mode sent me into a state of depression. I've learned to avoid forums such as those. Life can be beautiful even in the mist of healing. I'm glad I came across this site.Renee_1 Reneehttp://www.successfullysurvivingsexualabuse.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-19509369760937446332011-07-19T11:41:42.342-05:002011-07-19T11:41:42.342-05:00Lynn, thanks for coming back to add more to your c...Lynn, thanks for coming back to add more to your comment and mine. Miss Pinks question is a very valid one that no one has ever asked me before. I feel like I have stumbled all around it because I haven't thought about it before and am not sure how I feel about it myself. I am glad that Miss Pinks ask and that you have shared your own experiences with this topic. I appreciate you both being here.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-45553583165937250952011-07-19T10:12:38.636-05:002011-07-19T10:12:38.636-05:00I don't know if my comment was helpful, but an...I don't know if my comment was helpful, but any combination of responses let's those on a healing journey know they are not isolated in their questioning. I mean, it's not like there is a rule book for recovery! I never ever talk about the details of the most heinous r*p*. I spelled it out once in Beyond the Tears. While I was writing that book, I was back in therapy to discuss the details for the first time (I was in my forties). I read the rough draft to the therapist. I asked her how detailed I should get; I didn't want to upset readers. She suggested I NOT sugar coat with polite words like "molestation", that the public can't deal with what they don't know. But her primary concern was my healing, and she said that I could not heal what I did not acknowledge in detail. Of course, I punished myself repeatedly for "telling" via migraines and ailments in the short term. In the long term, it's so much better to make sense of the trauma without hiding from the ugly details. Sorry so long. Big huge topic to me, esp relating to Miss Pink.Beyond the tearshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02467974499876353781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7679672539901170150.post-16355110740884597382011-07-18T23:38:55.314-05:002011-07-18T23:38:55.314-05:00Lynn, thank you. Your answer was probably more he...Lynn, thank you. Your answer was probably more helpful that mine was. Once I started talking about the incest, it was like someone had opened the flood gates in that the words just flowed out of me. What I talked about was the feelings - the fear and the rage and the emptiness that I felt at times. Once I started crying, I cried at meetings for at least a year. With all of the talking, I still didn't give details of the rapes. I wasn't comfortable enough for that.Patricia Singletonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14114250171020836470noreply@blogger.com