Nancy Fox-Kilgore has graciously accepted to do a written interview with me here on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. Nancy, I thank you for your time and your honesty in answering all of my questions. I also want to thank you for the work that you do in educating the rest of us about bullying, with special emphasis on sibling abuse. Since I didn't experience sibling bullying, I never thought about it and certainly never knew that it was a major form of abuse that many children go through every day of their lives. I thank you for sharing your knowledge and your experiences on your blog Sibling Abuse & Bullies
and through your book Girl In The Water: Bullying Starts At Home. The research link between bullying and sibling abuse can't be overlooked. I hope that everyone who reads this interview will visit Nancy's blog and please leave a comment encouraging Nancy to keep moving forward with her work. Nancy is also the national speaker for the United States Department of Justice on the topic of PTSD in rape and incest victims. Anyone who is looking for a guest speaker on this topic, please contact Nancy at the links that I will provide at the bottom of this article.
I chose to interview Nancy because I believe in the work that she does in educating people about bullying and sibling abuse. More people need to know about the work that Nancy does. I believe that awareness is the first step to stopping child abuse in all of its many forms. If you can educate people about the signs to look for, then you have a chance of stopping child abuse. People like Nancy who are willing to step forward and educate others and to share her own experiences of sibling abuse need to be actively supported in reaching their goals.
To introduce Nancy to you, I am going to use her own words from her Facilitator page of her blog:
"Nancy Fox-Kilgore, MS is a survivor of sibling abuse and bullying. She holds a Master's degree from the University of Oregon. Her B. A. and teaching credentials were received from Sacramento State University. Nancy is a leading expert on Bullying, Sibling Abuse, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is the author of EVERY EIGHTEEN SECONDS: PERSONAL JOURNEY INTO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and THE SOURCEBOOK FOR WORKING WITH BATTERED WOMEN. She has recently published GIRL IN THE WATER: A Personal Story of Bullying & Sibling Abuse."
You will find more information about Nancy on the link to her facilitator page of her blog at http://siblingbullies.com/facilitator/.
You will also find Nancy Fox-Kilgore at her blog - Sibling Abuse & Bullies at the following link: http://siblingbullies.com/blog/.
Now on to the questions and answers of the written interview with Nancy. Nancy's answers are written in italics.
1. Nancy, why did you decide to become an expert on bullying, sibling abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?
Because I understand these topics from a personal perspective and that of a researcher. I am motivated to galvanize attention toward them because we have an epidemic of aggressive children. Bullies and the connection to the home setting is not addressed in our present economy. The conditions are condusive to huge increases of bullies being created in the American home. Sibling abuse needs to come out of its dark shadows and I want to help. I am a survivor of bullying and sibling abuse. I also have PTSD and will for the rest of my life. My abuse from my sister almost killed me. I am a researcher on trauma in the young child's brain.
2. Tell me about the Mission of your blog.
It is designed for the children of this generation, as well as their parents who need skills for intervention and confrontation in situations of bullying and sibling abuse. It is also designed for the adult sibling abuse survivor who has had no validation that abuse from a sibling could ever be harmful. It is generally considered taboo to think or disclose that one's sibling could be harmful.
The mission statement was created to be informative and educational. I hope it is helpful for the ingorance that exists now about bullying and the solid link to sibling abuse. The societal costs will be devastating if we do not realize that siblings are the greatest perpetrators of domestic violence and child abuse. The majority of child abuse does not come from parents. It comes from children.
3. Can you share why you say there is a link between bullying and sibling abuse. I don't think that many people realize that a link exists between the two.
There is a definite link between bullying and sibling abuse. Verno Wiehe in his book, Sibling Abuse, relates this link. He is one of the few researchers who has focused on sibling abuse. The origins of bullying start in the home. Today, children are unsupervised and parented by stressed parents who don't have time to uncover the covert and aggressive activities of their children. The home conditions also have other factors: marital discord, substance abuse issues, and faulty interfamiliar communication. Parents are emotionally absent as a result of divorce, long working hours, etc. Children aren't disciplined and parents do not have the time to investigate complaints of abuse. The home has become a bootcamp for learning how to be aggressive. The video games are the training films. Children who are hurt by sibling(s) are at risk to being a bully to children outside the home. Children who are hurt by a sibling can send also out "victimization" signals that they will receive the aggressions of bullies outside of their home setting.
4. What are some of the statistics for bullying and sibling abuse that parents and others should know?
19 million children are abused by their sibling.
Children commit 10% of murders in the family.
2 million children use a weapon as a means of resolving a physical confrontation with a sibling.
53 out of 100 children are severely abused by a sibling.
5. I read on your blog that you didn't always have the memories of sibling abuse done to you by your sister. What happened that triggered your memories?
It was a therapist who was trying out a new therapy that was quite invasive. In a session, she said my sister's name and all hell broke loose. I really should have been admitted to a psych ward. I regret that my son stayed home from school and took care of me. My family would not come and help me because I was always accused of lying and was considered the family misfit.
6. In comparison, what was your life like before the memories and after the memories surfaced?
My life was quite dysfunctional and I acted out alot. I regret that my son was a hostage of my bizarre life. I did alot of "at risk" things and participated in just about every addiction known to mankind.
When I remembered what my sister did, I was psychotic with the repressed memories. I was 38 and the majority of the abuse took place at 10. I did most of my life as a 10-year-old and was quite naive and impulsive. I only got better when I did trauma treatment. The trauma treatment was done 10 years after I remembered what my sister did. In that span of 10 years, my precious son was subjected to more crisis and dysfunction. I regret this with all my heart.
7. Tell me about your book - Girl In The Water: A Personal Story of Bullying & Sibling Abuse and why you decided to write a memoir?
I felt compelled to write this story that is augmented with a reference section for parents and adult survivors of sibling abuse. For me, there was no decision. I just started writing and it became a place to share my feelings about being disputed for the abuse from a sibling. At various junctures, I wondered if anyone would read it. I worried about retaliation from my family. I did not want to be kicked out of my family. At this point in time, I have been. I am now free to tell my story. I was motivated to keep writing because I never want another child to go through what my son went through.
I haven't had a chance yet to read Nancy's book Girl In The Water: A Personal Story of Bullying & Sibling Abuse which tells the full story of Nancy's sibling abuse experiences as a child. I wanted to get the interview done ASAP so that others could become aware of the issue of bullying and sibling abuse rather than waiting. I am going to order Nancy's book as soon as I finish posting this article. The bullying that I experienced as a child came from my dad, not from either of my siblings.
Nancy, last week, shared with me that she was excited because 20/20 and CNN were both considering her book as a possible story for their programs. If either of them do, I will be watching and learning from Nancy sharing her experiences and her knowledge of sibling bullying and abuse. Nancy's work and her book deserve the exposure that either of those programs would give her. I hope that many of you will also join me in subscribing to Nancy's blog and buying and reading her book. You can also follow Nancy on Twitter, which is where she and I first met. If you are looking for a guest speaker, please contact Nancy at one of the links that I have provided for your convenience at the end of this article.
Nancy Fox-Kilgore, M. S.
Twitter: bullyactivist
Again, Nancy, thank you for consenting to do this written interview and for the hard work that you do in educating others about sibling abuse and bullying.
Patricia
12 comments:
Patricia and Nancy, great interview. Thanks for doing it in this format. Made it easier to go back to things after I started thinking about them.
I was abused by my sibling, and what shame there was in that, and fear and anger too. He got away with so much because of the relationship with my parents who were either active participants in their own abuse or willfully ignorant of the abuse of others.
The last day I had a physical confrontation with my brother was when he pointed a gun at me. I was so angry that I grabbed it away and told him next time he'd better pull the trigger or never point another at me again. I shocked myself at how I just couldn't deal with it anymore and I think he was spooked enough that he backed off, at least physically.
We don't speak, and I do recall their youngest being expelled from preschool for fighting and swearing a few years ago. Sadly I think the lessons were passed on to his children.
Sibling relationships are so complex, even in healthy familiies, that delving into unhealthy ones must be so daunting. I applaud your courage and am looking forward to reading your book.
All the best! Shanyn (Scarred Seeker)
Shanyn, you are very welcome. I feel sad that your brother would abuse you in such a manner and that your parents would ignore it and let it happen is even worse. Parents are supposed to protect all of their children.
Thanks Patricia, the worst thing (for me) is that was the least of the bad things he did. He didn't pull the trigger then but he never was stopped or would stop other things. It was my normal, and it was bad. I'm on a healing path now and trying to be a good 'aunty' to our friend's children to stop sibling bullying when it happens, and to educate their mama's about it as well.
Shanyn, educating others about sibling bullying is a very important goal. You would be a great 'aunty'.
Hi Pat,
thank you so much, you've done it again: highlighted a small, specific and deeply painful facet of my childhood. I love how you target one small thing at a time and go at it until it's really clear in my mind what the impact was at the time and still is in my everyday life.
I went and commented on Nancy's blog. In brief: I was bullied by my parents, cousins and aunts and uncles. (I am sure my aunts and uncles bullying me was a spill over of the siblings bullying at my parents' generation: they were getting me in lieu of my parents!)
Of course as a result I passed that on to my siblings. But I also protected them from my parents and created a lot of safe space for them. As a result of which they are all good friends nowadays and I am the outsider, the 'other parent', the authority figure as well as the abuser to a degree. I remember spending so much time protecting them that it's not until reading your article today that I truly completely admitted that I also bullied and abused my siblings till the age of about 11. So I am very sad. I am going to process and heal that today.
I am sad. I am also glad that I remember better and can heal deeper, without any glossing over.
This also speaks to a quandry I have with a good friend where my kids have reported sibling bullying among her kids and I did not know whether to address or let her deal with them the way she wants. And now I know I need to find a way to bring it to her attention.
Thank you.
Sophie, I am glad that my interview of Nancy has helped you. I am also glad that you went to her blog and left a comment.
Metting Nancy on Twitter and reading her blog has brought this topic of sibling bullying to my attention as well. I had no idea that it was such a big part of bullying.
I saw some bullying done by a younger child toward his older brother this weekend. Bullying isn't always done by the older child. If you step in and stop the bullying at the time that it is happening, how do you make lasting changes when you don't live with the bully? How do you go about getting the bullying child to change his behavior? (Those questions aren't directed at you, Sophie. I am just voicing what is going through my mind as I write this. Does anyone have the answers?)
As the oldest and being a daughter, in my family of origin, I was given much responsibility for my younger brother and sister when we were children. I had to take care of them and was responsible for keeping them out of trouble. If they got into trouble, then I got in trouble too. I have to wonder if I didn't maybe bully them to keep them in line. I don't remember. I will have to ask my sister about this.
What a fantastic interview thanks Patricia and Nancy. I was severely bullied by my brother as a child and it has had a huge impact on my life and how I feel about myself. I'm only starting to realize now because of therapy the extent of the impact it had. However because he was my brother I felt I couldn't call it bullying. But that is what it was.
I really needed to read this post thanks for pointing it out to me.
Lizzie
Lizzie, you are very welcome. Nancy's story seems to be having that effect on others which is why I wanted to share here.
The comments that I am reading are fortifying me. This is not a well publized issue. You have helped me to get it out there. I hope you can come into my blog and feel "at home." I am seeking adult sibling survivors to come out from wherever they are! Nancy Kilgore
Nancy, I am glad that I can offer support of your blog, your book and you personally. I am glad that we met on Twitter. I did not know how big of a problem sibling bullying was until I met you online. Thank you for the work that you do.
I was an only child, so sibling abuse was not an issue for me, but I did have two cousins close to my age who I spent a lot of time with, and the older one was a bully and abusive.
It is a small piece of the story from my childhood, and one I haven't shared much about.
Thank you Patricia and Nancy for sharing this interview with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!
Tracie, you are very welcome. I am reading Nancy's book on sibling bullying. It is a horrible story of abuse and torture of Nancy by her older sister. I hope that thru sharing Nancy's story and book that others will come forward and tell their stories. The only bully in my life was my dictator dad.
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